Reflection

Christmas is a time to reflect on the true meaning of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. What a blessing He is. I thank God for His Son and all He has done for me. May you all have a very Merry Christmas.

Christmas

My shopping is done as is the baking and gift wrapping. The hustle and bustle of getting things done often stresses people out. That is why I start early and finish early so I can enjoy the season. With carolers singing in the background I find myself beginning to sing along, something I haven't done much of since Matthew died.

There is still my broken heart and missing Matthew so much at this special time of year. It was  his favorite time of year. I have a tree with all his ornaments in our family room. I especially like his hockey ornaments as he loved to play hockey.

There will be an empty place at our table but the memories live on. I know I will someday be with Matthew again. I look forward to those days. In the mean time I thank God for Matthew's life and for keeping me strong.

More Tragedies

As I turn on the news there are many more tragedies, suicides, murder, drunk drivers hitting and killing innocent people. This is one of the most tragic times of the year when it should be one of the happiest times.

There are many reasons for these tragedies - a person who has no one in their life, illness, loss of a child or loved one and the list goes on. Please don't drink and drive, or use drugs. There are places to go to get a hot meal. Go to church - God is everywhere. Why not ask Him to be your Lord and Savior. He is the one person you can always count on.

I pray for each and everyone of you - this is a tough time of year.

A Tough Season

For those of us who have lost a child this is a very tough time of year. I have lost several friends and two aunts this past year as well as Matthew, 6 years, 6 months and 12 days ago. Not a day goes by when I am not thinking of him. Christmas for Matthew showed the little kid in him. So funny and a joy to have around. He always had to have his stocking higher than anyone elses. He loved Christmas dinner and just being around family. He is soooo missed.

Last night Ron and I went to the Compassionate Friends candlelight service for the first time. A very touching night. One couple had lost their son just a few short months ago. They were so torn up and my heart just went out to them. Please say a little prayer for all of us this Christmas season.

This is a very hard time for many people. May God hold all of us up and help us get through this month.

The Christmas Season

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. It has been very difficult since Matthew died but I am pushing forward and remembering his favorite holiday also. The Christmas music has been playing (only the second year since he died) as I bake bread and Christmas cookies. I missed my kids as well as my grandkids because I love to bake with them. However, I probably made more of a mess this year than with all of them together. Only good part - I got to lick the beater and bowl!!! YUM!

I'll finish shopping tomorrow, I hope.

Remember: JOY IS CONTAGEOUS

Washington State Concern of Police Survivors Suicide liason

A month ago I was asked to be on the board of Washington State Concern of Police Survivors as the Suicide liason. It is such an honor to work with such a great group of people. I hope I can help those who have lost a loved one to suicide. I will listen well and let them know it is ok to feel the way they do. I live the pain everyday so I understand. I hope when my book is launched that it will help those who are grieving as well as those who may be contemplating taking their own life.

Peace be with you all.

Suicide

Suicide - what an ugly and senseless word. Last night as I was watching the news they announced a 15 year old boy took his life due to bullying. They said 18 teens take their own lives everyday due to bullying! The pain I feel is unbearable.

Come on people - we need to be kind to everyone. God made each of us as he wanted. No two are alike.God wants us to be kind and caring, not mean and cruel. How would YOU feel if someone made fun of you? Or, maybe you have or are being bullied. Don't give those who bully the pleasure of seeing your dispair. Find someone, anyone who WILL listen and talk with them on how you are feeling.There is help out there.

Those left behind who love you, parents, friends, family, the list goes on and on, are crushed. Their hearts are broken in a million pieces. I know, I am living that life. My son took his life due to a FAILED relationship. He had NO clue how much he was loved or should I say he was so devasted that he could not see or think clearly. One second that's all it takes.

PLEASE don't do it - I am begging you. That is why I have written the book about my son. "A Life Too Short:Matt's Story" it will be out late spring. I will keep you updated on time.  

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is over and I hope you all had a great day. Our kids were not able to be with us this year but we were with some of Ron's family.

Today I went to Bible Study - a great study it was Daniel Chapter 11. Then mixed up cookie dough, and lots of odd jobs have kept me very busy.

I am so thankful for my friends and family and all of you who are supporting me on my business facebook page and my journey of getting my book published. I am so excited and feel so blessed to have the Lord on my side all the way.

Happy Thanksgiving

On this Eve of Thanksgiving I want to thank God for all He has done for me. I have truly been blessed this year with a completed manuscript, a great publishing company, being named to the board of Washington State Concern Of Police Survivors Suicide liason and for my friends and family.

Holidays are tough for me but if I stay close to God He will hold me tight. I pray for peace to all.

My business facebook page will be posted next week!

Happy Thanksgiving.

New Look

I have changed the look of my blog in hopes that it will be easier to read.

If you know of anyone who has taken their own life, is griefing or may be contemplating taking their own life please have them check out my blog. Until my book launches this is the best I can do to help someone. Spread the word to everyone you know that I have written "A Life Too Short: Matt's Story and it will be out in 2012.

I pray for you and wish you the very best. May God Bless You.

God Directs Me

I just received word that production for my book starts in January. How exciting! I just have to stay focused and do as much as I can now preparing for marketing. If I can get a jump start on this I feel that when I meet my marketing director we will just have to finalize all I have already done. That's my plan anyway.

I continually pray for those that have lost a loved one to suicide. It is so devastating. I hope to reach out to as many people as possible to try to help them with their pain OR help someone from taking his/her own life. That's my goal. I have had a great response to those I have already talked with. God directs me in the way to go and I just hope I can give Him all the glory.

A Life Too Short: Matt's Story

Praise the Lord! I have signed a contract with a publishing company and my manuscript is now in the hands of my copyeditor. This is so exciting. Even though I have not spoken with the marketing department,  I have a long list of what I would like to do.

We finished middle school tennis last Thursday. For me it was a great season with super fun kids.

We went to our daughter's home Fri-Sun. We haven't seen them for almost two months so it was time. They were super busy with, gymnastics, birthday parties, soccer, times two kids, ( and believe me, it was FREEZING). Girl Scouts, pumpkin patch, a little shopping, food and finally a little sleep. Sunday we went to church and then to one of my high school/circus friends memorial service. He will be missed

I'll try to keep up my blog with the process of my book. Stay close to the Lord for He is Great!

Tennis and flooring

Middle School tennis has one more week. We will start our final tournament tomorrow. I am amazed at how my group has improved. It is so fun to watch their faces light up when I compliment them or when their serve actually goes in. I will certainly miss this group of kids. We were rained out yesterday. It is dry today but is cloudy, a bit breezy and not very warm.

Our new tile floor is in the works. Hopefully it will be set tomorrow and then grouted early next week. We have quite the maze to get around the house.

HEY! BIG ANNOUNCEMENT COMING SOON!

Book

I am beginning to get pictures ready to add to my book, "A Life Too Short: Matt's Story." I have some pretty cool pictures and am excited to see how they will fit in. I'm also going over my manuscript again to make sure I have no mistakes. What a process. Hopefully soon I can share my story.

The tile guys have started our flooring - what a mess we live in. Today I spent the day cleaning the garage. Hated those cobwebs so used the shop vac. It now looks pretty good - at least the half I could get to. The other side is full of closet doors. Oh well, I love the process.

The weather is beginning to change. We have nine days left of middle school tennis and I hope we escape the predicted rain. I plan four days of practice and five days for the last tournament. I love my group of kids. We have so much fun at practice.

God continues to hold me up and gets me through all the challenges of writing my book.

Fall

Middle School tennis is going very well. We have 63 great kids with kids really wanting to learn how to play. My group is very fun. I love seeing there determination and fun smiles when they make a mistake. Three and a half weeks left. I am trying to finish up a tournament this week and then we will have another tournament the last week.

We have had a beautiful warm fall up until this last Monday. Warmups are here to stay no more tennis skirts.

I hope you all have a great day! I thank the Lord for all these great kids I am blessed to work with.

9/11/11

A very sad day ten years after the twin towers were attacked. America has changed - we are stronger and we will protect our country no matter what. I thank those who gave their lives that horrific day and thank those who risk their lives to save us. To all the first responders I will always admire you. May GOD Bless America.

NEVER FORGET!

Watch what you say

I was at a anniversary party yesterday and a person came up to me with a huge smile and said, "Well, I'm sure you are  100% by now." I looked at her and said, "I will NEVER be 100%. Are you kidding me?" This person is a hurtful person. I've heard comments about her all the time on her nasty comments to others.

As I wrote in my book, when you ask a griefing person, "How are you?" we may have a hard time answering you. With such cruel remarks we want to lash out. If you don't know what to say, maybe don't say anything at all, or "I'm praying for you," "I'm sorry,"or "I love you," or  "I'm always thinking about you." You don't know how I'm feeling and cruel words will NOT help. I thank God that I have Him in my life. He gives me strength and keeps me standing.

Please THINK before you speak.

A Crazy Week

Here I am beating my tile floor with a sledge hammer. We are redoing our tile floor and I said I would do the demo. What was I thinking???? I'm sweating like a pig but oh, it is so much fun! The last time we did our tile the guy told us - this will NEVER come up!! He is a very truthful man.I have been a little bit more successful today because I'm using the sledge hammer first (like in the good old circus days) My husband didn't think I could full swing one. Oh what He doesn't know!! I'm bruised and battered with little cuts all over. What a sight. I must get it done - I'm on a short time frame. I can hardly wait for Mark to come home from vacation. He said he'd do the kitchen. Good thing he's  a firefighter! He's stronger than an ox!

One of my granddaughters is coming Wednesday for a few days. We will have lots of fun in the SUN!!! She loves to bake and have tea parties so that is in the plan. Hopefully we will go to the lake, do a little gymnastics and just hang out.

I hope God has blessed you all this summer. He gives me strength and guides me through each day.

Summer Days

How I love these hot summer days. If only they would last. Hanging around the pool or the lake reading books and drinking ice tea. I decided I better clean the house this morning before I find myself back outside in the heat.

I have been swamped with the book, sending copies out to people who will write comments for the jacket cover. I'm constantly adding or changing a couple of areas to make the book even better. I have it out to potential agents/publishers. Now I just need the perfect one to pick me up. God has a plan and I just need to be patient - but PLEASE HURRY!

I have been helping others in their time of need. I'm glad I can be available for those in times of tragedy. I know the pain well.

I'm Back

Wow! Where has the time gone. In June I helped my husband with our high school tennis camp. When that was over we  went to Hawaii for a week. We had a great time. The weather was perfect unlike home where it continues to be windy.

After Hawaii we stayed at our daughter's and her family for the night and then brought our grandson home with us for a week and a half. We had so much fun playing, football, tennis, baseball, swimming etc. He is 7 and adorable. Reminds me of Matthew. He has so many of Matthew's mannerisms. A joy to have any time. He loves to go to grandmas.

Both our kids, spouses and grandchildren were home to help me celebrate my birthday. We had a great day boating (the hottest day of summer (94!) and BBQ. Then home for cake and ice cream and gifts! Ron's cousin and his wife had us over for dinner with special friends on my actual birthday. My birthday continues as I was taken out to lunch and a cool gift with a great friend. Plus my sister-in-law stopped by with another great gift. I will continue to celebrate next week with a couple other friends.

God is great and He has provided me with very special people. My family is awesome and I love watching the family grow.

I am also back working on my book. I have to find that part that will grab an agent or publishers attention. The Lord will guide me because I cannot possibly do it by myself and my editor.

Until next time. BE SAFE!

God is Great

It has been a tough couple of weeks with a good friends father dying. I've known him for many many years. He was such a great man but the good thing is he is no longer suffering. He suffered from cancer.

I have also been in touch with a couple of people who's husband, son and brother took his life. The pain is great but I feel that through my son's tragic death I can relate to these people. It is nice to talk with someone who really knows the pain. Some people try to help but not living our lives they really don't know the depth of our pain.

God is the only one who can truly help. He has lead me through the writing of my book and I can hardly wait to get it published. I want to help save someone from a terrible tragedy.

May God be with each and everyone of you and especially my new friends who have lost their loved ones to taking ones own life. Be sure to pray because He can help you.

A Busy Time

WE have just completed a week of tennis camp. We had a good group of kids and hopefully they had a fun time. We saw a lot of improvement throughout the week. I'm looking forward to next tennis season. Looks like there are a few good players coming up.

I just received a new book, "My Life For Your LIfe" from my friend and author Clarke Paris. His book is awesome, heartbreaking but a great tribute to some heros, my son Matthew included. Very touching stories of lost lives by their own hand. Both Clarke and I are out to stop this type of tragedy. We want to help people. One friend who also has a story about her son in Clarke's book really touched me. We have only met through Clarke and email. Her son and my son could have been brothers. Same interests, funny habits, etc.

I'm finally out of the dark that I usually find myself in during the month of June. I am very busy with my book hopefully with the final touches. I am so anxious to get it out and to hopefully save a life. But, it must be perfect before that happens.

May God Bless each and everyone of you. Be safe this summer and know that Jesus Loves you.

Dark Days

A week or so before June 1 the fog returns. I am agitated, sad and lonely. June 1 was the six year anniversary of Matt's death. It was tougher this year, not sure why. My husband took the day off and we went to Lake Chelan as our regular routine on that day. We had a nice lunch and then looked at one of the scrapbooks I had made with cards given us that tragic day. We look at a different one every year remembering all the love sent our way. When we arrived home our son and daughter-in-law were at our house. They were digging on our hillside. He had to have his dog put down. I just lost it. But as we went to their home for a BBQ (first time we had been able to share an anniversary with one of our kids) he handed me a picture of Matt and his dog. He said, "Matthew is up in heaven playing with Damian." A bright outlook on a very tough day.

The darkness has continued through this month - not sure why but maybe it is the lousy weather. The one highlight was getting to take care of my grandchildren for four days while our daughter and son-in-law went to Arizona. At least someone got HOT weather! We had a good time. Now, I am back struggling and praying to the Lord for help out of the fog.

Spring

I'm BACK! Computer problems or should I say blog problems! Thanks to a couple good friends my blog is up and running again. Spring has been long, cold, windy and rainy. Tennis season was dampened by that lovely weather. I never knew what to expect but had to prepare for whatever the day brought. Huge skill difference in my players so I had to have two lesson plans. Lots of hard work but the main thing is I love coaching. As the end of spring nears I can't help but wonder what summer will bring. I love hot weather, hanging out at the pool or the lake. This year we are going to Hawaii for a week. Summer isn't my favorite time in Hawaii but my husband can't get off during the school year. At least we should have good weather in case springs weather decides to hang out.

Next blog I will catch you up on what has been happening with my book and the month of June.

Spring

Spring break my husband and I went to Palm Desert. We played tennis almost everyday and hung out at the pool. We visited some friends in Carlsbad and had a fun time.

However, the weather was very disappointing. Only 3 good days, the other days cool, windy and gray - just like at home.

It appears spring might be deciding to appear. It was 71 today as I worked in the yard. Short lived the WIND came up and about blew me off the hill. It is calm now so hope it sticks around. It would be nice to have some warm days for tennis practice as well as our matches! Nothing like the rain coming every time we have a match.

Enjoy Easter as it arrives in one week.

Spring Break

 Today was very windy but when it came time for our tennis match the sun was out and it was very warm  maybe close to 70! Spring break begins tomorrow and my husband and I are ready for a much needed R and R.

I am receiving permission forms daily to use people's names, stories and songs in my book. This has been so exciting for me knowing so many people care about the death of our son. People I have never met have called just to pass on their sympathy and happily give me verbal permission as they put the form in the mail.

All of you out there who have a spring break I hope you have a great time. BE SAFE and trust in God. He is my strength.

Dreary Spring

Rain, darkness, cold, a very dreary spring. It is tennis season and you would never know it by this weather. Indoors the first week and outdoors the second week, dodging wind and rain. Cleaning the courts and praying the rain will stay away until practice is over. Our jamboree was cancelled due to a team pulling out at the last minute. We have a match tomorrow but it is supposed to rain. I hope we have some sort of a decent season. We will see.

My editor and I are busy getting last minute permission forms out so when I find an agent everything will be ready to go. Last minute changes and a few additions. I am very excited about my book. I do pray I can save a life.

A New Season

A new season begins and with that high school tennis begins. We are completing our first week of practice. Through snow, rain, wind, sun and 29 degree weather we battle it out. We have one indoor court and I am using that. This is the weakest group I have had in the 11 years plus of coaching. Between the varsity and jv teams we lost 9 girl's to graduation and several others for other reasons. I have one returning girl! My other returning girl's are qualifing for varsity and it looks like they are all going to make it. Yea for them!  In the meantime I am now coaching all beginners, starting with how to hold the racket. I usually carry 14 girl's but only 9 have turned out so far this year. Should be a very interesting season. I definitely have my work cut out for me.

I am continually working on my book making it as perfect as I can get it. I appreciate a few special people who have read my work and have critiqued it. Now I just need to make a few changes.

A lot of stress with the book and now tennis. I have my first match next week. I need the Lord to help me on this one. I can't do it myself.

The Stigma of Suicide

This was my toughest chapter to write, so I turned it over to the Lord. I hate the word suicide and there is so much stigma placed on it. I choose to say someone has taken their own life. There are so many different factors that come into play with taking one's own life.

A person may be addicted to drugs or alcohol, have a chemical imbalance or a mental illness. In my son's case it was a failed relationship. In today's society there is bullying whether in person or through technology.

In this chapter I go into detail about the different kinds of stigma - socially, religious, and media. What to watch for and how to deal with someone you think may be considering taking their own life.

My intention with this chapter is to try to save someone. Everyone has someone who loves and cares for them. You may think no one cares, but I do. Turn to God and He will always be there for you.

A Father's Reflection

As I was midway through my book I asked my husband to help me with a couple of things. After his input he asked me if I had ever considered having "A Father's Reflection" chapter in my book. To be honest I had not given it a thought. He is very quiet and takes everything to the Lord rarely sharing anything. I immediately said I would love to have him participate. I gave him  the time frame and he followed them.

I didn't read his chapter for a long time - I didn't want to know - but then realized that I am the author and I have to know everything going in my book - editing it etc. He did a fabulous job, as I knew he would. There may have to be some changes due to not having permission to using names, etc.

This is a very touching chapter and it adds a great deal to my book.

Life Will Never Be The Same

Some people see you in the days of grieving, or even later, and they notice you aren't smiling. They think you are not feeling well. Well, what are they expecting? There is a place for mourning and grieving when someone you love has died. Don't expect us to GET OVER IT quickly. I will NEVER "Get over it."

People can be very cruel with their words. I will tell in this chapter things people said to me and how I have tried to go on living my life the best I can. All I can do is Trust in God. He is Always by my side.

Spring is quickly approaching

With spring approaching my time gets busier and busier. Tennis season begins February 28 which means ordering new uniforms, meetings, organizing schedules and the list goes on.

I'm excited about the new season beginning. However, most of our matches are out of town. I will have to be extra organized with my life. Finding an agent/publisher is my number one goal.

I pray someone will pick up my project. I just want to help someone who is struggling with life.

Stay tune to a little peak into my next chapter.

The Time Since

My fear came Monday morning  after the funeral. I did not want Ron to go back to work or leave my side. Lucky for me I had friends that kept me busy - walking and lunches as well as all the time I spent at the sheriff's office and Matt's attorney. So much to be done and I had all the time in the world.

We had tennis awards which we did not want to go to but that was our job. The parent's and the players are like family and they were there by our sides.

Throughtout the rest of 2005 we went on a few trips, and kept busy the best we could. Everyone was so good to us. There are some sad but good memories in this chapter. Trying to enjoy the holidays without Matthew was the hardest part of all.

I was stuck in the fog trying my hardest to get out and remember I had other family members to love and do things with.

Too much to do

I am getting behind on my blog. I had to leave town for my aunt's funeral and then to my daughter's to babysit my grandchildren. I had fun riding bikes and walking with them as well as watching gymnastic practice and basketball games. Then, I headed for my editor's to get some query letters out on my book. Now it is time to wait and see if anyone is interested in my book.

I'm preparing for the upcoming tennis season which includes several meetings, getting the schedule and calendar ready.

The night I got home from my trip Matt's EX called. It must have taken guts to call me. She was apologizing and saying how much she misses Matt and cries for me every Mother's Day. She is going to send me some pictures and letters from Matt. This call came at 5 years and 8 months to the day. So, I'm back to that NIGHTMARE. I need to get my strength back and trust God. He can get me focused.

Next blog I will continue with a little from the next chapter.

Still a blur

A day of thick dense fog reminds me of that first year after the tragedy. Darkness I can't find my way out. I don't want to do anything but by the Grace of God He keeps me upright. I continue to share my story with others who have just witnessed their own family tragedy - that dreaded word - suicide. My prayers go out to all of you suffering from tragedy or whatever you may be going through. My editor and I are working hard to find an agent/publisher. I hope it is sooner than later. I just want to save someone. Pray the real fog goes away soon and that the sun will shine so I can move on.

That First Day

Imagine that phone call in the middle of the night with the fiancee telling you your son has killed himself? Then the undersheriff gets on the phone and tells you that we shouldn't have heard it from her. The Sheriff people came to our home and question after question I continue. Why do you call her his girlfriend she is his fiancee? They tell us she broke up with him a few days earlier. We didn't know. Now I can better put this story together. We talk through things til around 7 AM and then people, family, teachers came out of the woodwork with their condolences and food and.....everything is a blur but so much to do. Around 3 AM our son, Mark, appears. Shocked and angry with what his brother had done. Who could blame him.  Our daughter, Tami, and her family arrived around 9:30 in the morning. They had a 3 hour trip. So many arrangements to be made but we had the sheriff's department on our side. Sgt Mike was our liason and wow! he was good!!!He was and is always by our side whatever we need. Ron was to go to State tennis with his players, now we had a funeral on that very sad day. The Lord held us firm and stayed close by our sides. He is the only reason I stand today.

Special stories

Throughout my book I have some very special stories. Some are tragic and some make me so proud to be the mother of this great son. A pride wells up inside me knowing that a couple of Matt's friends still remember him and what he was all about. Their disappointment that he is no longer with us. At least we all have good memories of him and know that he is in the Lord's hands. I WILL see him again.

A Career Begins

After spending four years in the Marines Matthew continued on with college. His dream job was to become a Chelan County Sheriff Deputy. He worked security jobs and did yard mainteance at a local golf course.  He finished college and then 9/11  hit.  Matt had decided he wanted to reup and head back to Iraq and the front lines. He had his physical done and was waiting for orders when he found out he was number one at CCSO. He called me and said, "Mom I can't reup I'm number one and if I'm offered a job I may never get another chance at my dream job." That was the end of that and a couple of weeks later he was off to the Law Enforcement academy.

Matt the Marine

A SGT. in the Marines.Went to Bahrain on the U.S.S. Nimitz to find Osama Bin Laden! Matthew wrote a story in college on "A Day to Remember." Missed out on the war and was disappointed. Matt thought he might reup but he was number one in his dream job and didn't want to lose out on that. Matthew loved his country until the day he died. Stay tune to see what that dream job was to become.

Matt's Life: The Early Years

Matt was:
Rambunctious
An accident looking for a place to happen
Funny
Shy, quiet
Very sensitive and possibly had low self esteem
Stubborn

You learn about Matt's growing up years and what a fun loving, athletic boy he would turn out to be. Quite the challenge but God always kept His hand on Matthew.